Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
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“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
God, I love Scotland
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”