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If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.