Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
You Might Also Like
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.