I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
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Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.