The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
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Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy