Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
You Might Also Like
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
They grow up so quick
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound