I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
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Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
I occasionally drink every single night.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.