I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
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Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Coffee for people with no kids
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.