confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
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HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.