My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
You Might Also Like
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.