Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
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I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y