I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
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Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Cucumbers Anonymous
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
This headline is a thing of beauty
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”