ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
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Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Is this you?
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.