Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
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Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|