I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
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*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.