Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
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I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I finally found a reason to live again.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.