Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
You Might Also Like
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
#SCOTUS one-star review
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
no cat here
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are