GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
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If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
liiiiiiiiike
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.