Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
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[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
this is so top tier i cant
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.