Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
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I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes