Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
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My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Mornin
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
how it started vs how it ended
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.