People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
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I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
These 3D printers are insane!
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
i was baptized in a car wash
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.