Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
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I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
time machine? you mean a clock?
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours