Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
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“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up