Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
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The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.