Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
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Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Pot warmers of the day.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
doing some research
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.