You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
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pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Canada has crack?
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else