Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
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I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*