Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
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If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
What
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.