Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
You Might Also Like
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk