my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
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If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches