911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
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The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
barbara was highly relatable
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.