*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
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Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it