Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
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If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.