Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
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Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…