my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
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Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
No. He’s not coming out to play
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.