Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
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Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
english majors be like furthermore
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person