angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
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Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
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[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.