[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
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She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
our love story in four pictures
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
i dont have time for this
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.