And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
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Banana is the quietest snack
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.