Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
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God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away