How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
You Might Also Like
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free