Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
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Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
I’ve been learning to cook.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
lmfao
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.