me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
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Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
the three branches of government
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.