why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
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Fiction has to make sense.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands