Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
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Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Taliband
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Weirdos gonna weird.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
The symmetry is uncanny.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago