*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
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Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Okey dokey.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
*skinny dips into black hole
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”