Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
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It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
consequences, the bane of my existence
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Selfie
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Why I divorced her.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do