Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
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Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.