My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
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Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
the best thing i’ve ever made
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”